dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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