I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
