My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
