wakey wakey hands off snakey
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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