you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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