first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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