Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
