probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
