I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
