I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
