I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
