1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
