He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
