God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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