he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
