she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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