Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
