So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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