do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
