We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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