onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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