You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
