My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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