We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize