Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
