She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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