fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize