she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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