i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
