he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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