wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize