I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
