I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
