wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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