And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
