I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
