The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
