Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize