she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
