I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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