if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
