i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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