my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
