I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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