just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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