therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
