I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
