dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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