got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
