dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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