some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
