life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
