why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize