You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
