My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
