its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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