he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He has the fingertips of a God
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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