My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize