i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
