Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
