I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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