I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
